Is it normal to miss a toxic ex? How can I reframe the thoughts of missing her and fill the void?

So you have left a toxic relationship, only to find yourself still missing your ex 2 months down the line.  Ending any relationship can be tough.  Ending a relationship that you considered toxic can be a confusing situation – you may be wondering why you would even be thinking about taking someone back when it was toxic, controlling, and manipulative.  

Well, rest assured that you are completely normal.  It is good to hear that you have been able to heal from the breakup quickly enough and you are sure it was the right choice for you.  We will first look at the reasons why you might be left with some reoccurring thoughts and flashbacks.  We will then consider some ways you can manage those voids.

Reasons Why You Miss Your Toxic Ex

There are sound psychological reasons why you miss your ex-partner. Here are the most common explanations:

You still romanticize them and are holding on to false hope:

Is a part of you still clinging on to the hope that they will see the error of their ways, grovel at your feet, and then give you the relationship of your dreams?

If so, you need to shed this illusion before you can move on. 

Give yourself a reality check.

Perhaps they were romantic and kind at the start of your relationship, or perhaps they are nice to you for a few days after a fight, but this doesn’t change the fact that they are toxic.

Write a list of all the things they have said and done that reflect their real personality. Read it several times a day.

You made them the center of your universe:

When you love someone, it’s normal to spend a lot of time and effort getting to know them and trying to make them happy.

However, in a toxic relationship, one or both people often take it too far and become obsessed with their partner.

This can leave behind a gaping void when the relationship ends.

If you are co-dependent – that is, you take on too much responsibility for other people’s emotions – you might have based your whole life and even identity around trying to solve your partner’s problems.

For instance, if you were in a relationship with a drug addict, your primary concern on a day-to-day basis may have been to stop them from giving into their addiction.

If they leave, you may want them to come back so you can resume a care-taking role.

They made you believe no one would ever want you:

If you were in an emotionally abusive relationship, your partner may have damaged your self-esteem to the point where you believe no one else will find you desirable.

When you hold a low opinion of yourself, it’s easy to conclude that you’ll be alone forever without your partner.

Remind yourself that you are good enough as you are, that you are worthy of love, and the cruel things your ex said to reflect their personality and not your looks or character.

Abusive people tear down their victims’ self-esteem as it makes them easier to control.

They had some good qualities:

Few people are completely evil. Your ex may have been toxic, but they probably had some positive traits – otherwise, why would you have fallen in love with them?

It’s OK to acknowledge that your ex sometimes made you feel genuinely happy.

However, it doesn’t change the fact that they are an unhealthy influence and you have done the right thing by removing them from your life.

Every relationship is a learning experience.

Your ex may have taught you some valuable lessons about spotting toxic people, but they might also have shown you the kind of traits you like in a partner.

You’ve had to change your lifestyle since the relationship ended:

If you were financially dependent on your ex, your standard of living may have dropped when the relationship ended.

You might feel as though you miss your ex, but in fact you may be missing the trappings of the old life you shared together.

You might also have lost some friends when you split up.

For example, if you met most of your friends through your ex and they decided it would be too awkward to hang out with you after the breakup, you might feel lonely.

You will need to rebuild your social network, which is a big challenge.

It can be doubly hard if your self-image has been left in tatters.

Remember, missing someone isn’t a reliable sign that they deserve a place in your life.

You can also miss someone and yet realize that they have serious flaws that make a healthy relationship impossible.

Consider the following to help you move on from your thoughts about missing her:

Figure out who you want to be with

You have to stop thinking about this person because they’re bad for you, plain and simple.

They bring out the ugliest sides of you, and you might also bring out the ugliest sides of them.

Is that really the kind of relationship you want, the kind of dynamic you want to grow old with?

You deserve better, and an easy way to get yourself to stop obsessing over them is by truly understanding how bad it was, and how good a better relationship can be.

So imagine what your ideal partner might be like.

Imagine someone who:

• Gives you strength when you’re feeling down
• Makes you calm when you’re feeling out of control
• Hears you out, no matter how silly your thoughts might be
• Shares your exact sense of humor
• Values all your intricacies and quirks
• Love you for who you are, truly
• Always meets you halfway and respects you at every turn

Envision what it would be like to be with this person, and tell yourself: this doesn’t have to be a dream.

This can be someone who truly exists in your life, as long as you seek them out.

Let go of the grudge

Time doesn’t heal all wounds. You could have broken up with your ex years ago only to realize problems in your relationship still sneak up on you.

This old saying tricks people into thinking that moving on is a passive process; that after separating from a major person in your life, everything will naturally back into place like nothing ever happened.

In reality, if you want to stop thinking about someone, you have to stop thinking about the relationship altogether.

Stop replaying fights, stop thinking about things you could have said or things you could have done differently.

In ways they could have improved to save the relationship. The relationship is over; there is no point running simulations in your head.

At the end to day, all this does is make all wounds fresh again.

If you really want to move on, make a conscious effort to forgive your ex and take it for what it is: good, bad, and ugly.

Understand the difference between obsession and intuition

You’ve maintained your distance, you’ve attempted to move on, maybe you’ve even started seeing other people.

But no matter how much you try, your mind always circles back to your ex.

You could be hanging out with a new person and all you could think about are the stupid inside jokes you had with your ex.

Now before you think this is a sign from the universe compelling you to try again, consider how this might just be your brain’s way of obsessing over every single detail.

Don’t get caught up in the positive feelings and try to remember the relationship for what it truly was.

This is not your subconscious telling you you’re meant for each other; consider this as a sign that there are residual issues from the previous relationship that you might still need to work on.

Plan new goals

While you can’t ever go back in time to change the course of events that transpired between you and your ex, the good news is that the future always feels hopeful.

Teach yourself to stop looking back at your life by setting goals for yourself. It’s easier to move forward when you have something great to look forward to.

Plan that trip you’ve been postponing with friends. Enroll on that online platform you’ve been eyeing for a while.

Your life doesn’t stop just because a chapter of your life has closed. Use this momentum to drive yourself forward and try out new things for yourself.

Consider talking to someone new

It’s probably not the best idea to start flirting with someone else while things are still fresh, but it won’t do you any harm if you start talking to someone new.

You don’t have to dive into a new relationship immediately but the point is to keep an open mind.

Instead of shying away from strangers, be open to the possibility of meeting someone new.

The goal isn’t to get into a relationship; it’s just an easy way to open up your horizons and remind yourself that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Even if you’re starting with the premise of being just friends, getting to know someone new is a great way to move forward.

Instead of spending your days mulling over old conversations, channel your energy towards opening yourself up to a new person.

You are in a good place with your healing and remember just like everyone else you deserve a healthy relationship that meets your needs and be with someone who complements you and your happiness.

Wishing you the best of luck!

Gaynor 

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

How do you treat a toxic ex?

Do toxic exes miss you?

Do toxic exes ever change?

Should I delete my toxic ex?

Should you reply to your toxic ex?

How do you make a toxic ex miss you?

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Why do people miss toxic exes?