Ask a therapist > Relationships > Relationship advice

Relationship advice

I have a boyfriend. He does everything right and is a great guy and is crazy about me. And I really like him too (sometimes). Other times, I want to break up. It's just so much easier being single. It's so easy to be on my own and not have my feelings be dependent on another human being. I'm really good at being single. I like myself better single. I'm not worried or "crazy". I just do me and literally almost nothing affects me. So why would I subject myself to worrying about what someone else is doing all day when I can just be me and be happy. He's a nice guy and everything but I just hate me in a relationship. I'm always causing problems where there shouldn't be and trying to get a reaction out of him. I'm a completely different person in a relationship and I hate it. Also, I always want to run. I always want to flee the relationship at any slight inconvenience. Sometimes I tell him when I'm about ready to run and sometimes I don't. because the truth is, I don't want to run. I don't know why I do the things I do. They usually pass in a few days. But why would I deal with them at all when I can just be independent and on my own?
Show more
Asked by Jess
Relationships
Attachment
Answered
09/26/2022

It sounds like you're struggling to figure out who you are and what it is you really want to become in life. You've recognized that you're very confident and comfortable in your own skin but also not sure how to share that space with another person.

Perhaps it is more important to focus on self actualizing and becoming the best person you can be and see how the boundaries progress in the relationship from there. It sounds like some of it could be a self sabotaging type of behavior when you push him away or do things to get a reaction out of him.

It is very common for people to struggle with commitment, attachment or anxiety which can result in pushing and pulling people toward or away from us. Sometimes that can feel like an emotional roller coaster and a good place to start is identifying what values are most important to you. 

It's also very insightful to recognize when you are treating someone else unfairly and I commend you for your efforts and accountability. That is a strength that will really help when you begin the therapeutic process.

Learning different boundaries, ways to regulate your emotions and how to recognize anxiety symptoms can be very helpful not only in these types of relationships but also when you are working forward in your career and with family and friends as well.

It may be very helpful to learn about different types of attachment styles as well as identifying what characteristics are most important for you to be recognized for in your identity.  Having a strong sense of independence and freedom are pretty important values to you based on your question and it may help to find goals and behaviors that match those values so you don't feel struggle with the cognitive dissonance that seems to be showing when you have these opposing thoughts and feelings. One of the major causes of anxiety is cognitive dissonance and if you aren’t familiar with the term, I thought it might be helpful to learn more about it from Psychology Today so I'm attaching a link to help you figure out if this is something you would like to learn more about in therapy.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/cognitive-dissonance

(MS, LPC, Nancy, Naill, Frishkorn)