Should I be moving on or holding on to what I’ve had?
Asked by Jess
Answered
10/24/2022
Hi Jess,
Thank you so much for your question. I am so sorry you have been experiencing difficulty and dilemma in moving on from your relationship with your ex. I would encourage you to speak to a counsellor with these specific concerns as a means of supporting yourself as it sounds as if not having all your needs met, by someone you see as a soulmate, has been impactful. There are separate issues of feeling like the odd one out and feeling the relationship was imbalanced too. There is also him saying he misses you and that he can change causing confusion.
I'd really like to offer you an introduction to making sense of how such experiences can impact relationships, even once they have ended. Hopefully, it can help you consider what you might be experiencing so you might feel a greater understanding in yourself. There is that sense of soulmates, conflicting with not feeling like the relationship was balanced. Sometimes, how others treat us can be because of how our attachment styles interact and, I would like to explain a bit more about what this means. As I don’t have a sense of what your attachment style might be, let’s look at the different aspects of this.
Firstly, let’s consider some attachment styles. Generally, human beings either want or avoid intimacy, but there are also different aspects to this. It is worth considering this as more of an attachment continuum than black and white categories. For example, as a general rule:
· Secure – 50 percent of the population
· Anxious – 20 percent of the population
· Avoidant – 25 percent of the population
· Combinations such as Secure-Anxious or Anxious-Avoidant are 3 to 5 percent of the population
When we are securely attached, love and cherishing of others comes naturally. You are not anxious about being intimate, how the relationship is going and, small arguments are easy to resolve. You accept your partner for who they are, and they accept you. There is no need for either partner to manipulate, play games or look outside of the relationship for any form of intimacy. As a communication style, both partners are open about how they feel, what they need and any aspirations they may have for the future. Each partner is able to meet the other’s needs, too. The key to this is good self-esteem, i.e., not reacting and not taking things personally. Good self-esteem leads to good problem-solving and resolution because we are better able to understand ourselves.
Anxious attachment is characterised by people pleasing and needing to be always close to your partner. However, people pleasers rarely get their own needs met, which leads to resentment and unhappiness. They also worry and compare if their partner is as committed to the relationship as them, wants as much affection, closeness and so on. When worried about the relationship though, rather than being open and honest, game playing, and manipulation occurs instead. Sometimes anxious attachment can resemble co-dependence. Often, a person with anxious attachment is attracted to attachment styles that aren’t secure, often avoidant, despite the avoidant attachment playing into the anxious partners worries.
This is because avoidant attachment validates the worries of anxious attachments- e.g. ‘I knew I wasn’t lovable, I knew no one wanted me, etc.’. Further, anxious attachment means bonds tend to happen quickly with partners without any sort of evaluation of if the partner is truly right for them. They look for the positives and see their partner through rose-tinted spectacles. Through doing this, they forget their own needs and focus on their partner. Every issue that arises then becomes the fault of the anxious partner and they want to ‘fix it’.
Avoidant is different as there are two different types: dismissive or fearful avoidance. Dismissive avoidant is characterised by cutting off yourself from your emotions. If you are afraid of getting close to someone despite wanting closeness, then this is fearful avoidance. Avoidant styles often mean the person relies on themselves to meet their needs rather than others. Even in a relationship, there is a gap between partners where the avoidant partner wants to distance themselves from emotions.
You can learn a lot about your attachment style based on how you respond when you are emotionally close to someone. Is there game playing or manipulation for example, or open, honest exploration of needs?
Knowing your attachment style is one thing, but how might your style change? You can work towards a secure attachment style, through active process, though it is difficult work and requires high levels of empathy for yourself. A counsellor can help with this process of support, and it is advised you seek support as you feel you need to. You should also seek relationships with people that have a secure attachment style as a means of them modeling what secure attachment looks like.
Changing your attachment style, much like resolving co-dependency require the following:
1. Heal any shame as part of personal therapy.
2. Raise your self-esteem, enabling you to not take things personally.
3. Learn assertive communication techniques.
4. Learn to identify, respect, and assertively express your emotional needs. E.g., ‘I feel… and I need…’
5. Learn to take risks in being authentic and direct. Don’t play games or try to manipulate your partner’s interest.
6. Practice acceptance of yourself and others to become less fault finding – this is difficult for co-dependent and distant people.
7. Stop reacting. This can be a challenge because our nervous system is used to reacting automatically. It often entails being able to identify your triggers, unhook what causes them. Therapy will help with this process as it will increase your self-awareness.
8. Learn to self-soothe – mindfulness can help with this, and there are a lot of internet tutorials and videos around this issue too.
9. Learn to resolve conflict and compromise from a “we” perspective.
Anxious attachers are required, as part of changing their attachment style, to take more personal responsibility and dismissive attachers are required to take more relational responsibility. Also, Anxious attachment needs a slower dating process and dismissers need to find and accept their own vulnerability and insecurity. Learning how to set and maintain boundaries is an important part of this process.
Dismissers don’t tend to go to therapy as they do not believe their behaviour is in question. However, a good therapist will recognise dismissive attachment and work with the client to own their experience. Similarly, people in therapy often fear becoming dependent upon their therapist and leave when they begin to feel a little better. Any dependency fears should be said out loud to a therapist as they can help explore and make meaning of this with you. In fact, good therapy provides a secure attachment to allow people to grow and become more autonomous, not less.
The more autonomous you become, the better able to be intimate you will be. Also, we can be more independent when we’re dependent on someone else – provided it’s a secure attachment.
Do not be afraid to seek help with this as you explore it further. Be kind to yourself and listen to your needs as you are getting to know relational aspects of yourself.
(MA, Counselling, Cognitive, Behaviour, Therapy, Level, 5, PGDIP, Integrative, Counselling)