Should I stay in my marriage?

Thank you for the question, and for your frank honesty. Did it feel a little bit scary to see those words in writing? I hope it was also a relief to be able to express how torn you are feeling. It may ease your mind to know that relationship ambivalence (indecision about whether to stay in a relationship or end it) is very common. Sometimes hitting a milestone age (30, 40, 50) is enough to cause us to second-guess our decision to stay in a marriage. Sometimes we see idealized couples, in person or in the media, and imagine what life would be like to have those intense, romantic feelings. We may imagine that they would persist if only we had married someone else, that our dissatisfaction or even disinterest means we chose the wrong person. And of course, with all that has occurred over the past two years, many people have found themselves reevaluating life decisions. That includes primary relationships as well as career choices. The divorce rate has spiked since 2020, as we have all struggled to deal with the emotional toll of the pandemic.

However, just because you are grappling with the thought of ending your marriage, it does not mean that its demise is inevitable, or even that it is the best choice for you. Of course, the first question I have to ask is around safety. Are you or your children living under the threat of physical, verbal or emotional violence? Does your partner demean, humiliate and belittle you? If so, immediate and decisive action is critical. Safety is non-negotiable.

Provided that is not the case, a first step is to do your best to separate feelings about your circumstances from feelings about your husband. This is not to say that what you are feeling is invalid or that it isn’t real. It is simply a recognition that sometimes life events and external stressors color our feelings and our judgement, to the point that we are driven to act in ways we might not, under neutral circumstances. If you can identify the things that are contributing to your dissatisfaction, it should help provide some clarity about what is associated with the relationship and what is related to life events and external stressors. Let me explain a bit further.

Life Events

Unexpected events such as a job termination, financial setback or catastrophic illness can shake the foundations of even the strongest marriage. In those circumstances, it is completely expectable for one or both partners to wonder wistfully, “What if…?” Other common life events that can strain a marriage include the addition of elderly parents to the household, or even the birth of a new baby. Therapists will tell you that the most vulnerable points in a marriage are when children enter the family and when they leave. These events are not necessarily negative, but they disrupt the equilibrium that the couple has established, and require serious adjustments in roles, rules and family dynamics. Are there life events that have influenced your feelings about your husband? Does a part of you blame him for the difficulty? (It's a human thing to do.)   

 External Stressors

You mentioned that you are working hard on your mental well-being. Could that be a factor?  Managing anxiety or depression can certainly make our partner’s reactions and requests feel burdensome. What might have been experienced as mild irritation at another time can feel overwhelming or unbearable, and bring on an urge to flee. Even stress from child-rearing or the demands from an over-taxing job can drain our reserves to the point that our spouse feels like just one more thing to have to deal with. And if you or your husband is dealing with health issues or his own mental health challenges, this can add to the strain. Are there external stressors that are increasing the sense of hopelessness about the relationship improving?    

These can be difficult questions to answer on your own. This is where a therapist can come in handy. A therapist will serve as an objective person to support you as you explore difficult thoughts and feelings, and help you identify how much of the disconnection and dissatisfaction is situational, and how much is rooted in the relationship. If the scales tip heavily toward your marriage as the source, your therapist can also help you explore whether the relationship can be strengthened and loving feelings rekindled.

Regardless of your decision about the relationship, strong, respectful communication with your husband will benefit all concerned. If you divorce, co-parenting will require tremendous amounts of cooperation and communication. Learning techniques such as “I” statements and reflective listening will help the two of you navigate choppy waters and avoid discussions devolving into win/lose arguments, where no one truly wins.

Thanks again for submitting your question. I hope that this is helpful and I wish you and your family all the best as you work through these difficult questions.