Should my wife and I separate or live together but mind our own business?

Hello M! Thank you for reaching out for support on the Better Help "Ask a Licensed Therapist" forum! I truly appreciate you taking the time to provide some additional background information about your particular situation. It sounds like you are contemplating the next steps in your marriage. Ultimately, you and your wife will be the only two individuals who can answer your preliminary question: Should we aim to separate or remained married together?

First and foremost, you may want to try sitting down together and begin the process of reviewing both of the options. What would be your first step to take for either choice? What ideas do you both have regarding the future? What are the pros and cons for staying together? It seems like you have already begun the process of this, as you have outlined various ideas in your question. Create a "road map" using pen and paper as a means to navigate the decision making process. Utilize colors to highlight the more imperative parts of your map.

If you are willing, take some time to contemplate your past. The history of your marriage will likely hold some essential information to help make your decision. Over two dozen years of marriage have brought you to a higher level of wisdom and perhaps even a sense of enlightenment. What are some challenges that the two of you have overcome as a couple? What are some of your strengths as a couple? Take the time you need to truly assess your individual strengths, as well as your strengths as a couple, before beginning the process of developing a final decision.

I know that you have mentioned that you do not have too many interests in common and that you have varying ideas about your individual parenting styles. Maybe your personality traits do tend to be in conflict in some ways. I can see how being an extrovert may be oppositional to your wife's tendency towards introversion.

Perhaps take some time to contemplate the catch phrase: "Opposites attract." The concept of yin and yang comes to mind for me. To me, this is the ideal that the balance between opposition is a natural phenomenon and that the two opposites, in fact, work together. Without one, you could not have power in the other. In what ways can you recall working together with your wife to attain a goal? Your common interest in your children's well being may be a sort of glue that keeps the two of you together.

Since you have been together for twenty five years, it may be challenging to even begin to imagine what life would be like no longer living with one another. If you were to separate, would you remain married and live in separate homes? Are you considering a plan for divorce? Perhaps, you may still be able to visit with each other if you end the marriage on good terms. Maybe it is best to stay in the same house and, as you mentioned, mind your own business. What does your wife want for the both of you? I can absolutely understand the sense of loneliness that may arise if you were to end your marriage.

It sounds like the two of you have varying expectations about what the other "should" be doing in the marriage. This may be your opportunity to practice your ability to compromise. Perhaps you can try completing one house hold chore together as a means to compromise in the future. Do what you can to support each other. This is going to be important, whether you decide to stay in a married relationship, or not. What are your own personal values related to marriage? Consider your options carefully and you will find the best path to follow.

I can appreciate your natural tendency as a parent to want to prioritize your three children's needs in this decision making process. For sure, explore this topic of marriage with them- if that feels like an appropriate thing to do. Perhaps simply doing so means considering the needs of your children. I always encourage the individuals that I work with to create a structure in which prioritizing one's own needs may be a bit of a parallel to prioritizing the needs of the youth. It may come down to doing what you think is best for you. No matter what decision you make, please do remember that you are modeling this behavior for your three children. All parents tend to be the primary role models for their offspring.

I appreciate you taking the time to provide more information about your cultural background, as this is going to be absolutely relevant to this topic. It is true that various cultural customs and values are going to play a vital role in your final decision. The aspect of an arranged marriage may have also put some strain on the current status of your relationship. What are your personal or spiritual feelings about arranged marriages? How did your own nuclear families influence your own concept of what it means to be married? If you can explore this topic with your wife, that would be ideal!

I want to take a moment to reiterate the importance of making a decision and sticking with that decision! It can be challenging to come to terms with and finally make a difficult decision. Equally challenging can be actually keeping up with that decision. As human beings, we tend to second guess ourselves and revisit the decisions that we have made (i.e. "Why did I do this?). Do your best to avoid second guessing and have some confidence in your intuition.

Lastly, I want to advise both you and your wife to seek out individual counseling as well as couples therapy. Utilize marriage counseling as a means to develop a plan for change. It sounds like, even if you were to stay together, that some changes would need to occur, either way. The two of you deserve to be happy! Thank you so much for bringing this important question to the BetterHelp platform!