Ask a therapist > Relationships > What are some useful ways to stop a negative thinking spiral when triggered?

What are some useful ways to stop a negative thinking spiral when triggered?

I am in a relationship where I have recently started feeling insecure and dealing with the fear or rejection/abandonment. Ever since a comment he made in regards to what I want to do in the future, I can't help but feel like if I am not productive enough then he will not want to be with me. Basically I don't feel good enough for him. It wasn't a mean comment, he was fairly asking and curious but I get defensive when things like this come up. I now pay attention to any little thing that I will see as mini confirmation for the negative narrative in my head when in reality, those little things don't actually mean what I think it does but before I realize that, I'm dealing with depression and anxiety. I don't want to sabotage this relationship based on my insecurities. We have also talked about this before and he has reassured me that I don't need to feel like I need to "catch up" to him. But yet, I still experience these things now.
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Asked by Jae
Relationships
Rejection
Answered
05/04/2022

Hello Jae,

I understand that you want some tips on calming yourself from feeling insecure and overcoming your fear of abandonment and rejection.

Fear of abandonment is present in numerous ways. It can be excessive anger, anxiety, a desire to isolate oneself, or even aggression. Everyone has their way of responding to this anxiety. It is a worry that is not necessarily the result of trauma but can also find its origin in suffering linked to childhood, a love experience that has gone wrong, or the fear of being alone or left. 

Before a disease can be healed, it must be recognized by interpreting the signs. Knowing the origin will not help you to no longer fear abandonment, but it is a critical stage in comprehending the development of your relationships. When you are afraid of being abandoned, you can experience your relationships in two distinct ways; either you drive your loved ones to the edge of insanity, or you choose not to have any more relationships to bypass the fear of being abandoned. Neither are answers that will enable you to flourish because you have to face this fear to overcome it.

Becoming confident in yourself is not a task for which you will get results quickly. Learn to value yourself, what you do, and who you are. You are not subordinate to anyone else, and you are no less deserving of healthy relationships. Admittedly, it's an arduous task, but the outcome will bring you more in your daily life. You may not feel lovable, but you need to stop putting yourself down to regain your self-esteem. Take an authentic look at yourself and look at all the good things you have to offer.

Whether it's to friends, colleagues, or acquaintances, you project what you think of yourself to others. Love yourself, not so that others will like you, but because you will feel more in harmony with yourself.

Without self-confidence and fear of being abandoned, you can become a different person. To fix this, you must remember to control your emotions and conduct yourself not to explode when it is not justified. Emotional intelligence can help you identify, comprehend and handle your feelings. To better understand them and succeed in mastering them, you have the opportunity to participate in training, coaching sessions, or psychotherapy sessions. 

  • Don't give the fear of abandonment a disproportionate place, and stay focused on your goals:
  • Free yourself from the grip of negative feelings and the past.
  • Don't forget that you are a strong person. Your history might shape you, but it shouldn't hold you back.
  • Look forward with confidence in who you are.
  • Even when you are scared, don't take the easy way out. 
  • Recognize yourself as a person of being loved. 
  • Face your fears. Fears are not consistently negative, and fears help people to stay vigilant to problems or difficulties and, at the same time, indicate one's weaknesses to be overcome. Learning, comprehending, and taking on one's fears is the first step to working through and overcoming them, also understanding what type of trauma they might communicate and their origins.
  • Learn to be alone. Learning to feel good about oneself is a necessary action that everyone must confront sooner or later. It is not easy to look within, accept, or live well with loneliness, but slowly, it is a condition to face. Understanding oneself is also essential for living a healthy relationship, where one is unrestrained to communicate and be oneself without pretending.
  • To find people who accept one for who they are and develop the tolerance to provide time to speak honestly. 
  • Don't follow those who are inaccessible. Honest relationships are formed by individuals who want to be in them because they desire to be in your life.

Several therapies can be used to erase the fear of abandonment, particularly EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), which can help overcome traumatic events through the use of symbols and words to be able to release and communicate one's emotions.

 

I wish you well in addressing these fears and improving your functioning. If you would like to work with me, I am taking on new patients. There are over 20,000 licensed providers on BetterHelp if you would like to work with someone else. 

 

(LPCC)