What to do when your partner tells you they are unsure about the relationship?

Conflict is good, but you still have needs in this. 

When someone says that they have conflicting feelings, it could be as simple as being honest about how they feel. If someone is struggling with identifying how or what they feel, it is best to be that safe space to listen to what they have to say, giving them a safe place to explore those thoughts. Suppose you believe your partner ultimately wants to be with you. In that case, you express your love for them by being that neutral ear to validate how difficult it would be to experience this conflict, and to allow them to express their thoughts instead of denying or trying to justify them. 

If you suspect this is not the case, or anxiety has gotten the best of you regarding your trust for them to commit, it will be on you to determine what you need now from your partner's state of "confusion." You still have needs in this, and though they presented their thoughts, you still require a certain amount of reassurance that they ultimately do want to be with you and that you can commit to being with them and going through this pain together. If your partner cannot give you this reassurance in terms of words of affirmation or continuing to check in on how they are doing, you then have to be assertive and state what you need here. 

Ultimately, the most challenging parts of relationships are centered on the fact that we are two people coming together, and we both assume each person thinks as we do. Most of the time, this is not true. Also, we learn about our partners and can pretty accurately determine what they mean when they say things to us. It is excruciating when we experience something we were not expecting from our partner, such as that they have questions and are "unsure." It is painful to be wrong, and when we misunderstand or expect something to go how we think it should, our mind is met with the fact that it was wrong. This is painful because it can provoke fear that we may not know certain parts of the other person that they are presenting here. What's remarkable about this moment is that though it may be fear, anger, or hurt we experience, it is all an opportunity to learn more about our partners and get closer to them. 

Here's the short of it. You are valid in your feelings and have every right to bring up how all these new "conflicting and confusing feelings" affect you. You deserve to ask about these feelings, ask specifics, and ask your partner to be patient with you as you are with them to understand what the other person is experiencing. We must regulate what could be very painful emotions and remain rational in these situations. Ask yourself, "what would I want to hear in all of this." Ask yourself, "What do I want from engaging with my partner about these confusing thoughts." 

Be clear with your partner, check your thoughts and feelings on the matter, and practice compassion and love for yourself when you experience hurt. Relationships are inevitably painful, but just because someone states that they are feeling a particular way doesn't mean the relationship is going poorly; instead, it demonstrates that they feel safe enough to share. 

Stay in communication with your partner. Ask what they need. Be that person they can talk to, and do your best to listen from their perspective to what they share. No matter how this plays out, these skills to be able to put yourself in their headspace will serve you greatly. 

- Luke