When you're in a relationship, how do you work through trust issues?

Hello Sky,

Thank you so much for reaching out for help. I am happy that you were able to find a space where you felt safe enough to ask your question.

First and foremost, I would like to acknowledge that relationships are hard. It is common to have questions surrounding compatibility and trust. There are certainly things that you and your partner can do to help bridge the gap and really show up for one another in the ways that each of you need.

Second, I would like to acknowledge that it sounds like there is a lot of love and passion between you and your partner and that is a great foundation! It sounds like with some work on boundaries and communication you both can get to a place of acceptance and understanding. Those feelings are the foundation that trust lies upon.

I have a couple of recommendations for you both:

1) Spend time understanding yourself and why you make the decisions you make. Give yourself an honest assessment of your behaviors without judgement.

2) Make a list of the things you need to heal from that occurred in your previous relationship(s). This will help you to understand what "baggage" you bring into the relationship. This list is important because it helps to get a lot of your feelings out of your head and on paper. It also helps to give you a better understanding of what you are emotionally up against, and what you and are partner realistically need to work on as individuals in order to come to the relationship as your best selves.

3) Be intentional with the time you guys spend together. You don't have to do everything together and you don't have to do everything separately. Find activities to do together that you both find rewarding and engaging. Time together should be time well spent. For example, having tv shows that you both watch together as a couple; doing improvement or creative projects together, doing puzzles, or playing board games; reading books together, or going on adventure outings can all be things that you incorporate into your "together time."

4) Have a conversation with your partner about some of the activities, events, and conversations that trigger negative feelings regarding the relationship. Ask your partner to communicate with you about their triggers as well. This will give you a good place to start in figuring out how to reduce those triggers.

5) Remember to put just as much work into yourself and your happiness as you put into your partner and your relationship. Have intentional moments of introspection with yourself daily where you meditate, reflect, or engage in a mindfulness practice such as yoga.

6) Take an attachment styles quiz. This suggestion is just for understanding's sake. It can be helpful to learn the individual ways that you have learned to attach and operate in relationships. This may help to answer some of the questions you have about your partner's needs or why each of you engages and communicates the way that you do. You can find an attachment styles quiz here: https://www.attachmentproject.com/.

7) If you find yourself really lost and not knowing what to do, or having prolonged periods of negative emotions regarding your relationship (3-6 months), I would recommend individual or group therapy for you as an individual. This can help you to be able to process and heal from both your past and present. This can also help to build your awareness of how your thoughts and behaviors contribute to the negative feelings you experience.

8) Another therapeutic option is couples therapy. If your partner is experiencing similar feelings, it may be helpful for you both to work them out via couples counseling. And remember, you can do both individual counseling for yourself, and couples counseling with your partner.  I hope this was helpful and you are able to find some peace in your relationships.

The most important relationship you will ever have is your relationship with yourself. However, the most special connections we experience in life are the ones with our loves ones. These connections don't always feel easy, but true love is so worth it. 

I hope this helps. Take care, Sky!