Ask a therapist > Relationships > Where do I start?

Where do I start?

I’ve known I’ve needed therapy for a while, I’ve got a lot in my past that I need to deal with, that I know has affected me and I just don’t know where to start to feel happy and be able to communicate. I feel so alone in my marriage and I’ve told my husband this and he tells me he loves me but then nothing changes. I’m in my 30's and all I want is to be loved and have my own family and now I’m scared that my marriage is over or should be over and the thought of starting again terrifies me, especially as I have nowhere to go and can’t financially support myself.
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Asked by Maggie
Relationships
Loneliness
Intimacy
Marriage
Answered
01/27/2023

Hello,

That's hard to be processing on your end when your dream is to be loved and having your own family and not seeing changes on your partner's end. I can help start to direct ideas to think about as you start therapy on the platform. 

I might start out with the idea of: what makes you feel loved that you do for yourself in the marriage and is there anything that you feel would be an expression of love from your spouse? An example can be getting a core group of friends to do things with outside the marriage, I need a romantic date night once in a while and I'll reciprocate that as well, I need affirmation or touches daily from my spouse, etc.

I understand you mentioned that it has been hard to communicate as well and usually I do recommend on creating a safe place to start talking about things in your relationship. If you're looking to connect more, one idea is to do a fondness and admiration exercise where you start to notice what your partner does that you cherish from them and say specifically how they showed that in that day. I would do it spontaneously throughout a week with words, love notes, etc. This can be something like I really enjoyed being playful last night on our walk when we talked about having a family together, etc.

I will also say that it can be normal at times to feel scared if you felt you haven't been connecting with your spouse lately and those thoughts can pop in. I will often say that thoughts are just thoughts, they might not be true and facts can be different. I may recommend couples counseling for you two or individual therapy as a way to build up the courage to start discussing and noticing patterns in your relationships you're unhappy with and noticing often times it can be bettered and repaired to be even stronger. Most relationships will have ups and downs and learning to navigate when you feel disconnected is incredibly important. 

I hope this gives you an idea, some validation and how to start navigating your question.

Best Regards,

Mitchell Daas, MA, LPCC

(MA, LPCC)