Ask a therapist > Relationships > Why am I never good enough?

Why am I never good enough?

All I’ve ever wanted from relationships is trust and respect and love…but I’ve NEVER once received it and I’ve never done anything to not deserve it. I’ve ALWAYS been loyal to a fault. Devoted. Honest. Maybe TOO honest sometimes. Yet every relationship I’ve had has cheated on me or lied to me in a devastating way. Or just flat out done nothing but disrespect me, I’m so fed up of being alone in my marriage. I don’t want to leave but I don’t see how I can stay. My mental health is suffering immensely and I don’t want it to affect my children.
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Asked by Livie
Relationships
Loneliness
Attraction
Answered
12/12/2022

I wonder if you have fallen into a pattern of choosing unhealthy relationships? Do you feel an endless sense of being let down? Feeling that you give your all but do not feel you get anything back? You absolutely deserve to be loved and cherished, but often we fall into a pattern of choosing a particular type of person, whether this may be toxic friendships or selfish or emotionally unavailable people who will never be able to meet your needs. This pattern will probably have been formed / learned as a child, something known as 'childhood programming'. This may have left you with a core belief that is controlling your choices when it comes to relationships! 

I really think it may help you to look within and ask yourself some questions, this will help you to become aware of your own self-worth. For example, how do you feel about your personal boundaries? Do you let people know what they are and what is not acceptable to you? If we fail to do this or even know what they are, we will endlessly give and find it hard to say no! This ultimately will leave you feeling your needs are not met and a sense of being let down. Spending some time thinking about what your boundaries are may help you to have a better understanding of what and who you want in your life.

Also cultivate self compassion, be kind to your self ask what is important to YOU in relationship, be honest about how you would receive what you need. Would you for instance find it hard to accept unconditional love if this has not been something you've received before?

It is of course possible to change the core beliefs we have and replace them with new healthy core beliefs. Having some counseling therapy would be so helpful. Spending time working on your personal development would help you find better, deeper understanding about who you are, how to love you and be happy and contented with yourself first and then others in more healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Please know we are here to help you through the challenges and sadness you feel whenever you you are ready.

I wish you well and hope you find some happiness and contentment within your relationships.

Very warm regards,

Gina Kelly.