Why do I always screw the big moments with my wife

Hi, that is a great question!

Relationships always take work, regardless of what type they are, but some more than others. I think this is healthy that you have decided to seek some outside guidance and suggestions. When you state that you both have very different personalities, that can make a big difference in getting along and understanding each other. Also, if you feel that these issues are “silly," there could be a deeper unresolved issue at play here. Anger is what we normally see on the surface, but under it is hidden many other things (shame, rejection, fear, etc.) Here are some suggestions that you may or may not be able to use but can help with the repair of the relationship.

1. Use "I" statements when communicating your feelings with someone else. Taking responsibility for your feelings will help you improve your communication when you feel upset or angry. This technique will allow you to communicate what is disturbing you without minimizing and blaming. If our statements feel too accusatory, the person we are trying to speak to will often become defensive.
   Example: "I" Statement format: "I feel ________ when you ________ because ________."
   
   
2. Use active listening skills- Active listening is when you treat listening as an active process rather than a passive one. Ways you can show active listening. Put away distractions- such as phone, tv, or engaging in other things. Ask open-ended questions- questions that encourage someone to talk more, as opposed to just "yes" and "no", show the speaker you are really listening, engaged, and interested. Use verbal and nonverbal communication. Your body language can send a lot of messages to a speaker of how engaged and interested you really are. If you're slumped over with no eye contact, that can send a message that you're not very interested. Verbal language can be acknowledging what someone is saying with "I understand" or "Tell me more."
   
   
3. Listen with an open mind- This allows the other person to speak about what is bothering them. Really paying attention to what they are saying, as opposed to thinking of your reply.
   
   
4. Take account of how you feel before a conversation- Ask yourself what you are upset about. Are you truly angry with your partner for leaving the lid off the toothpaste, or is it from something prior, and you felt disrespected.
   
   
5. Discuss one issue at a time and stay on topic- When an argument starts to get off-topic, it can easily become about everything a person has ever done wrong.
   
   
6. No derogatory language. Discuss the issue, not the person. No put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. These can get a conversation heated and very quickly. These are also working against what is trying to be resolved.

In addition to these, it is also very important to pour into your relationship with positive and relationship-building exercises. These can be having a designated date night or spending time alone asking questions and getting to know each other more on a deeper level.

One more note, you stated that "Most of the time, it's me screwing things up." I am not sure what else that entails. Still, if you are struggling with communication, anger management, or additional issues that you think are interfering with your relationship, it could be very beneficial to explore this on a deeper level with a counselor.

Warm Regards,

Christina