Why do I feel guilty or at fault whenever I express how I feel to someone?

Hi Sandy,

Thank you for reaching out for some additional help and support, I am glad you are advocating for yourself and your current needs and wants.  Based on your question, it sounds like there could be several things happening.

In your question, you stated this seems to be happening most often in relationships--I am taking that to mean a significant other.  If I am wrong and it is a close friend or family member, the same could still apply.  First my thought is how healthy is the relationship you are in?  I am not asking to offend, I am just wondering because in a healthy relationship, people should be able to communicate, listen and hear one another.  That includes acknowledging how the other person feels and accepting it even if that one person does not agree with it--and vice versa applies as well--if your partner feels a certain way, you do not have to agree with it, however, it is important to acknowledge it.

Feelings are yours and yours alone.  They are not right and they are not wrong--they just are.

I am also wondering on how clear your communication is when you are expressing your feelings.  Sometimes feelings conversations can be difficult and we jumble things up and they do not always come out as clearly as we want them to.  If this is something you are struggling with, "I" statements may help.  They are specific, clear and to the point.  You state how you feel and why.  An example, would be, "I feel disrespected when you ignored my request."  You could also say, "I felt disrespected when my request was ignored."

When you are having these conversations and expressing yourself, are you owning how you feel?  I am wondering how the statements are coming across--are you confident in what you say?  Body language is about 70% of how we communicate.  The rest is made up by tone, volume, cadence and the actual words we use.  While it may seem cheesy and uncomfortable, you can practice by standing in front of a mirror or recording yourself on your phone and then watching to see how you want to come across and the impression you are giving off.

You mentioned things get flipped which is why I asked earlier about the health of the relationship.  Are you trying to hold someone else accountable for their actions and behavior and they are trying to avoid the situation and pin it on you instead?  Some people believe guilt is a wasted emotion.  Is feeling guilty serving you any purpose when you have done nothing wrong?

I want you to feel confident in yourself, your feelings and how you communicate with others.  I hope this information and feedback was helpful to you.  I wish you the best in your journey moving forward.

Best,

Erica