Why do I keep cheating on my partner?
Asked by Rui
Answered
10/28/2022
Hi Rui,
Often times in relationships, if some of our core needs are not being met, we will seek this from others. This can be both a conscious and subconscious process. For instance, if an individual is not being heard in their current relationship, they may seek reassurance from someone else. Sometimes, this can be more convoluted- an example of a less overt connection could be if a couple was not engaging intimately, one may begin speaking to other people online. Although this may seem like a missing sexual need between the couple, some see sex as an emotional event, thus will seek the emotional support from others.
It may be beneficial to reflect on what your core needs are in the context of a relationship, and ask yourself if they are being met by your current partner. If you feel able to do so, it could be beneficial to explore this together. To list some of the typical core needs: affection, acceptance, validation, autonomy, and connection.
You explain that you have sought the support from others previously, it may be worth considering- what is it you were hoping for within that moment? It may also be valuable to consider whether these issues have been present throughout your relationship, or if there has been a shift in your/their needs.
As discussed, we often engage in these behaviors when our needs are not being met, however, our needs will change through experience. For instance, if one were to enter a relationship following a significant loss- their needs at that time may have been a caring figure to cater to their emotional needs surrounding the loss, however over time, the natural course of healing may result in that emotional need to diminish. In these moments, we can subconsciously shift our priorities- perhaps we can now manage our emotional needs independently, and we now need more focus on being validated, or to be intimately engaged for instance.
In summation, it may be helpful to reflect on our relational needs- are they being met and if not, how are we able to change this?
