Why do I never learn? I keep repeating the same mistakes

Hi Riley,

Thank you for your question, and it is a very good question that we ask ourselves when we are noticing that we might need to change or shift something in ourselves or in our life. 

I think it shows great insight when we gain awareness that our habits, mannerisms or other behaviors may ultimately push people away or that cause us frustration with ourselves. This allows us to take inventory of what we're doing and why, and then to formulate a plan as to how we can improve so we don't keep winding up with the same old consequences that keep us on the rinse and repeat cycle. So it's good self-awareness you are having with this, and it's worth looking into! 

I think we all have to learn lessons in things like procrastination (time management), how to learn how to trust others and how to recognize red flags or how to be a better judge of other people, as well as how to self-monitor with our complaining. These are all important social skills that, if we don't polish them from time to time, we can either get stuck or go backwards, with negative consequences.

Fortunately, the negative consequences (like people being pushed away) give us clues that become the opportunity to raise that awareness and find ways to change. Therapy is a great way to both raise self-awareness and to change, and if it's not something you've tried before, I encourage you to consider it!

In the meantime, it can be helpful to learn from resources - podcasts, books, online posts, etc. about how to read others' character, how to balance trust without overtrusting or being mistrustful, how to keep conversations positive, etc. There are lots of resources on how to learn what they call "soft skills," which can include being able to read other people's nonverbal cues to guide us when we might need to change the subject or keep our complaints in check. 

You mentioned disappointing yourself and others...author Brene Brown speaks of how the "face down in the mud" feeling we get when we are down-trodden or frustrated with ourselves, ultimately leads us towards the momentum we need to finally make the necessary changes. 

The reason we repeat patterns is because behaviors can easily turn into habits - even negative ones. And habits can be hard to break, because they get hard-wired into the brain in the form of neural pathways, so it takes a lot of time and repetition to be able to change a pattern.

For instance, if we notice a pattern of complaining too much, then that is a specific thing we can learn to catch when it happens and stop by changing the negative into a positive, asking the other person about their day, changing the subject altogether, etc. 

This also takes practice beforehand, though - we need to make an intentional decision and plan, e.g. that when we notice we are complaining, to plan how we will change the behavior. This may come in the form of making a list ahead of time of alternative topics, relying on friends to call us on our own patterns and have them help us change the subject, and to practice countering negative statements with replacement positive ones. 

Also, it can help to think about the impact that complaining has on both the listener, and on ourselves. It brings everybody down, research shows, so it pays to practice positivity. Research also shows negativity increases the stress hormone cortisol which is bad for our physical health and organs, as well as stressing others out and raising their cortisol levels, too. So, like any other habit we might try to change like giving up sweets or smoking or being late or procrastinating, or whatever it is, it starts with awareness - and you've come to this question with that already! And then it takes planning for how you want to do things differently.

Change can take time, however - they say change or adopting a new habit can take several weeks and even months, so don't expect perfection overnight! I applaud you for your efforts to change these types of behaviors, and I hope you will consider some of the resources or therapy to help you get where you want to be with new habits!

Wishing you the best of luck in your journey of self-improvement,

~~Barbara Leigh, LPC-S, NCC