Ask a therapist > Relationships > Why do I seek validation through taking on a caretaker role?

Why do I seek validation through taking on a caretaker role?

I have been noticing that I have a tendency to be a people pleaser, the inability to say no, set solid boundaries, and I tend to be a caretaker both with my partner and my friends. And it's something that bothers me but it's so instinctual sometimes it's hard to realize I'm doing it. And idk how to prevent that
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Asked by Zay
Relationships
Rejection
Answered
05/12/2022

Hi,

There are many reasons why people become "people pleasers". One can be for validation; Or, it could be that you don't like having conflicts with others and want to avoid them. You may fear rejection or abandonment, or feel guilty when you say no. Whatever the case is -  it boils down to self-compassion and self-esteem - not knowing how to put your own needs before anyone else.  Many people-pleasers have been this way since childhood. People-pleasers tried to please their parents in order to feel loved and accepted - having parents whose love was conditional. Some other reasons people might become people-pleasers are: 

  • Low self-esteem: Having low self-esteem tends to make a person feel they are unloved or unlovable which leads them to want to help all the time even at their own expense.
  • Past traumatic experiences: people who were abused want to make everyone happy in order to avoid triggering abuse.
  • Feeling insecure: again, low self-image can lead to people-pleasing behavior
  • Being a perfectionist: Some people-pleasers want that control because they need everything to be just right.

The first step to taking control of this is to practice self-care and self-compassion. Those who are people-pleasers need to learn to seek validation from within themselves. People-pleasers need to learn how to stop worrying about what others think about them. 

Some of the ways people can learn how to attend to their own needs are:

  1. Establish very clear boundaries with others - be very specific about what you can take on for the other person
  2. Set boundaries for yourself! It's ok to turn off your phone or not answer text messages right away; people can wait!
  3. Learn to say no and make sure your friends and family understand no means no!
  4. Prioritize your own needs first
  5. Wait for others to ask for help first before always offering to jump in
  6. Ask others for help
  7. Think about what is being asked of you before committing to do it

Remember, it's ok to be nice and kind toward others. It's when you never take your own needs into consideration that it can become a problem. 

(LMSW, CHC)