Ask a therapist > Relationships > Why doesn't my relationship feel "right" ?

Why doesn't my relationship feel "right" ?

My partner and I ended our long-distance relationship after 3+ years. We have similar family and financial values. We have open communication and talk about our relationship often. On paper it seems like the relationship should work out well. But, at the end of the day something didn't feel "right" and I found myself not always wanting to spend time together and was easily annoyed by them. They are extremely extroverted and I lean introverted. They have echoed those feelings also. Now that relationship has ended I am tempted to reach out and ask if we can try making the relationship can work again but unsure why I continue to feel this way.
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Asked by DW
Relationships
Loneliness
Answered
10/24/2022

Endings are hard.  When you have had a relationship of more than 3+ years, there is a space in your world that this filled for a long time, that is now empty.  

 

When you were in the relationship it was easy to feel the negatives and see why the relationship was not working for either of you,  By the time you are at the end you are not usually considering all that is good.  But once it is over, there will be a longing to fill this void.  This is where the term 'rebound relationship' comes from.  If we cannot go grab the old relationship back to fill the uncomfortable void, we quick find another person to put there.  

 

It is perfectly natural to not want to feel the grief that comes with any ending.  Even if the ending was a good choice, there will be some significant shift in feelings and lifestyle.

 

When we choose a person to be committed to, we start picturing this person as part of our happily ever after.  So when it is over, we are not only grieving the loss of this person, we are grieving the loss of the happily ever after that we had planned with this person.  

 

It is a very basic human drive to be part of a couple.  What you are feeling might be about that drive seeking this out.  So the easier thing would be to return to what is comfortable.  Even if the relationship was not going well at the end, it can still seem comfortable. 

 

Comfortable is not to be mistaken for happy.   Comfortable is just familiar.  People might stay in a relationship way past several good endings, because of this.  The idea of starting again can sometimes be more difficult to imagine than a return to a relationship that was not really working.  

 

So I hope these reflections are helpful in understanding the feelings to reach out.  It is natural and expected. 

 

Endings bring pain.  Pain is something we avoid.  If you do decide to reach out to reconcile, make sure it is a move forward, because you have a new take on the value of the relationship and want to make some changes to make it work, rather then just trying to avoid the pain of the 'big empty' that comes with loss.

Wishing you all the best,

Tracey R. York LPC, CAADC