How can I know myself better?

In life, we often accumulate different things.  We get the influence of ideas, the influence of judgment, adverse events, successes, blessings, hard times, the effects of anxiety and trauma, and numerous other things that form the underlying formed beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world.  To reset would be to challenge and change our core beliefs.  Now to totally reset would be impossible, as we are a product of the core beliefs as the result of our personalities and our total life experience.  But to go back to the beliefs we had at an earlier time when we felt more free or to find new healthier beliefs might be possible.  We also go through some trauma (or mini traumas) in our lives that also have an influence in our core beliefs, so to go back would also mean to have to heal from past trauma and loss.  To help us in this process, therapy provides a roadmap to better know ourselves and "find" or "find again" the person that we truly are.

In life, we face many situations or activating events.  These events are filtered through our core beliefs.  For instance, if I have a negative belief "I am not good enough" and say I receive some criticism at my boss from work (activating event), I filter what is happening through my negative belief ("I am not good enough") resulting in the automatic thought "This aways happens to me.  I never am able to succeed.  Why do I even try?".  If I had these thoughts, I may have the behavior to give up or try less and the emotion of sadness or depression or even anger.  The way it works is activating event-beliefs-thoughts.  Thoughts, Behaviors, and Emotions act in a triangle where the one is effected by the other two.  For instance, a negative thought will lead to a negative emotion and possibly a maladaptive behavior.  While we cannot change our emotions directly (because that does not work), we can challenge and change the way we think and chip away at the unhelpful beliefs we have developed.  

As I learn to better identify unhelpful thoughts and thinking patterns, I have the opportunity to start challenging the thinking.  I can learn to reframe thoughts and replace them with a positive or less negative thought.  I can learn to also balance the scale in my thinking and look at possible possible outcomes.  I can learn to reduce the amount of personalization in my life and realize that most people are focused on their own lives and not on me.  I can learn not to put so many expectations on my life and learn more how to enjoy life. 

I can also learn healthy coping skills.  I can learn grounding techniques that get me out of my thoughts by exercises that put the focus on my other five senses.  I can learn how to better self soothe through breathing exercises or progressive muscle relaxation.  I can also learn to better distract myself with other more positive activities and not stay in ruminating thoughts that are unhelpful. 

Therapy can help process things from your past and tendencies in your life.   Instead of focusing on what I do not have in my life, I rather focus on what I do have.  I may idealize this "perfect" life or think that having things or people I do not have will somehow make me OK with myself and make me happy.  It has been my experience that the things you think you have to have in your life rarely result in what you think.  While getting something new or being involved with someone new might make you happy for a little while, you will quickly realize that it is just a bandaid over the real problem in how you think and possibly the things you believe about yourself.  We tend to think certain things will make us happy or even look forward to some future time in our lives where everything will just be perfect.  In reality, if we can't learn to have peace and happiness in the present, we will likely not have peace and happiness in the future.  Real peace and happiness only comes from within and no outside thing or person can supply that to us longterm.  Relationships and even things can enrich our lives, but they cannot fix us.  The quest to find serenity from the outside is largely a futile one. 

Therapy is a tool to help us deal with the past and learn to see ourselves in a different light.  We all get wounded some times along the way, but healing and learning to see ourselves, love ourselves, accept ourselves, forgive ourselves, and take care of ourselves is a path to being our true selves.  Recognizing and challenging unhelpful beliefs help us grow and think differently.  Coping skills help us deal with problems in more effective ways. 

Thanks for your question.