How can I stop self-sabotage?

Hi Gopi,

Welcome! I'm Maya, one of the licensed therapists here on Better Help.  Fist let me say that is natural and normal to take joy in pleasing others, especially those we already have positive feelings towards.  Most people do take joy in their ability to please others, indeed many people aspire to greater heights of kindness, compassion, and service to others.  It's also normal to seek approval from others, especially those close to us, and in the workplace, where our very livelihood may depend on it.   Yet like all good things, people pleasing (or the desire for approval) can be taken to an unhealthy extreme.   

I think what I hear you saying is that you "knock yourself out" when it comes to making an effort for others, but when it comes to making an effort for YOURSELF, you flake out. You show up for others, but you have trouble "showing up" for yourself.  I imagine that does indeed wind up sabotaging your wellbeing and your potential.   

So you want to stop the self sabotage, great!  Contrary to popular belief, we do not necessarily need to try to figure out why we do things, in order to stop doing them.  Human behavior is complex, and so are the "whys" of it, in fact when we find ourselves doing something problematic (like self sabotage), it's usually for more than just one reason that we keep doing it.  That said, formulating some likely theories about the 'whys' of your behavior can be helpful in that it can sometimes point the way to potential solutions. Therapy can help you do that kind of work, which we call "insight building." 

Your habit of spending a lot of energy pleasing others and "doing right" by them (yet  neglecting the concept of doing right by yourself) may be related to childhood experiences, as those often play a role in why we behave the way we do!   The problem might also be a lack of motivation or poor self esteem.  You can learn how to motivate yourself in therapy, and how to raise your self esteem.  You can also learn how to be assertive with others and set healthy boundaries with them, so that you'll have the time and energy to invest in yourself. 

To my way of thinking, the opposite of self sabotage would be a combination of self respect (which is part of self esteem) and self discipline.  So I would suggest you work on the problem by trying to improve those tow things.  How?  Well for starters you could check out the book "The Power of Self Discipline" by Peter Hollins, it's  game changer.  I also think you'd be wise to  seriously consider signing up for therapy, so you can get some customized help and support on the journey. 

Hope this helped! 

Maya