How do I find my value? Or how do i see my value?

Hello Maja,

 

It can be so hard to feel good about ourselves when we have been influenced by undesirable exchanges from significant others in our lives. 

 

If you struggle with knowing your worth you may consciously or unconsciously believe you have no value and everything around, you also has no value (e.g. your relationship).  Such beliefs can compromise your thoughts, emotions, actions, and experiences. Knowing your value and believing that you have value is key for happiness and well-being!

 

It may sound cliché but understanding and appreciating yourself accurately is crucial to understanding and appreciating just about everything else, including other people.   Yet many of us get caught up in day-to-day life that we don’t forget take ourselves into consideration.  We need to ask ourselves - are we happy? Do we like who we are, and if not, what do we need to do to change this? It is not uncommon to be a stranger to ourselves.

 

Everyone experiences a certain level of insecurity, poor self-esteem, low self-worth or see ourselves as having little to no value. Insecurities are often linked with physical looks, intelligence, social capacity, talents, or other attributes. If your insecurities are getting in the way of your personal functioning, then these feelings of inferiority can lead to feelings of little value. Feelings of inferiority (no value) can get in the way of your relationships and life aspirations.

 

When an individual feels he or she is undeserving of friendships, love, or career advancement, it places that person in a holding pattern in life that can lead to loneliness and even unhappiness.

Even when you are in a relationship with someone who cares you rather than enjoying the relationship you find yourself believing you are undeserving or even devaluing the relationship. You may often unconsciously make efforts to sabotage your relationship. 

 

The very same behaviors can become evident in the workplace too.  You may find yourself neglecting your duties, such as arriving late for work or appointments.  

 

 

Prioritize learning over performance. When we focus on learning and growing, then we can take failures or lack of approval as an opportunity to improve. By doing this, we can hopefully recover more quickly from difficult emotions.

 

Adopt prosocial goals. By setting goals that are good for us and good for others, we may be able to avoid some of the hits to our self-esteem. So focus on how you serve others and add value to the world.

 

Decrease your outside contingencies: if you are measuring your self-worth based on things like endorsement from others or based on how you look there are unhelpful for your self-esteem. Internal contingencies based on things like virtue are known to be more helpful for you. So, it’s best to pay attention on decreasing external contingencies.

 

Ask yourself:

• What makes you special, unique, or exceptional?

• What do you do that no one else does?

• What are your positive attributes?

 

Repeatedly answering these questions above can help you increase your value.

 

Knowing your personal values will help you find fulfillment and direction in life. Your values can act like a compass, guiding you to life and career choices that give you meaning. When you have a choice to make or feel trapped, examining your values and staying true to them will help you get on the right track. You can determine your particular values by doing some activities that expose what’s significant to you. Once you discover your values, you can use them as an outline to rewrite your life. This will help you generate a life that is aligned with your values. 

 

List things that are important to you in life. While you might not think of them as values, you likely have a few things that you care about most in your life, like your family and friends. Take 5-10 minutes to think about what you trust is important in life and write these things down. Try to think of at least 5 things. For instance, you might include, Family, my creativity, helping others, being kind to animals, and learning new things.

 

Identify 3-5 experiences when you felt your were flourishing and engaged in life. When you’re doing something that’s central to you, it’s easy to lose yourself in the moment. Think about the times in your life when you’ve felt this way. These experiences don't need to be "happy" to be engaging and refreshing. Then, ask yourself what made the experience satisfying to figure out which value it might mirror.

 

E.g. You could write, When I helped my friend after her breakup, When I won an award at school, or When I went to the shelter to pick up a puppy.

 

Examine why you felt alive while helping your friend.  You may have enjoyed feeling helpful, but you might also realize that you had to get creative in finding activities you could do together during her recovery, which felt exciting.

 

Imagine what you want people to say about you on your 80th birthday. This activity lets you look back on your life to decide how you want to live. Picture yourself celebrating 8 decades on Earth and all that you’ve accomplished. Then, decide what this might suggest about your values in life.

 

Ask yourself these questions: 

• Who is at my party?

• What do people love about me?

• How have I impacted people’s lives?

• What have I accomplished in life?

• What do your answers to the previous questions say about your values? 

 

Another exercise you can do to find your values is describing your perfect day or week. What activities would you do? Which people would you see and be with? This thought experiment can help you find out what aspects of your life are the most important to you.

 

Think about what you admire in other people to discover your values. First, identify 2 or 3 people who you admire, such as family members, friends, leaders, celebrities, or fictional characters. Then, figure out what you admire about them, such as their accomplishments or talents. Next, decide what values they might reflect from your perspective. These are likely personal values that you hold. 

 

List the things you really want in life. Fold a piece of paper in half or create 2 columns in a word document. On the left side of your page, write down your answers to the questions below. On the right side of the page, write down what each entry on your list might show about your values. Your list will probably be really long, but that’s a good thing because it gives you more ways to learn about yourself. 

 

• What do you want to accomplish?

• What do you want to be in life or your career?

• What things do you hope to have?

• What do you hope to experience?

• How do you want to spend your time?

• What are your goals and aspirations?

 

Use a values list to decide what’s important to you. A values inventory consists of a list of values that you can review. Circle or write down the values that you identify with. Then, pick out the top 10 values on your list to figure out what’s most important to you. 

 

Rank your top 10 core values you have recognized. When you have finished 1 or more activities to reveal your values, compile a list of the top 10 that are most important to you. Then, rank these values from 1-10, with number 1 being the value most important to you. Use the list to help you make choices for your life.

 

It’s okay for your values and their ranking to change over time. You’re always learning, growing, and changing, so it’s natural for some values to change.

 

Rate how your life is aligned with each value on a scale of 1-10. Start at the top of your list and work your way down. Think about how each value is reflected in your life and how closely you follow it. If you feel this value is fully expressed, give yourself a 10. However, if you don’t see this value at all in your life, give yourself a 1.

 

For example, let’s say you value artistic expression. You might give yourself a 10 for artistic expression if you make art, learn about art, go to local art museums, and have a few art prints that you love. However, you might only give yourself a 1 if you have a few books about art but don’t really include it in your life.

 

Decide if your career is aligned with each value using a scale of 1-10. Ideally, you’ll express your values through your career choice so that you’re fulfilled in your life and work. Think about how your job or career might express each value. Give it a 10 if you feel like your career reflects the value but give it a 1 if it doesn’t. 

 

For example, let’s say you value helping people. If you work at a local nonprofit, you might give yourself a 10 for helping people. On the other hand, if you have a job where you don’t interact directly with people, you might only give yourself a 3, which might make you feel unfulfilled.

 

Look for values that you aren’t currently expressing in your life. After you rate your career and your life based on your values, identify values you hold but aren’t incorporating into your life. These are areas you can work on improving in order to feel happier and more fulfilled. Additionally, it’ll help you find more meaning in your activities. 

 

Make a list of the values you want to incorporate into your life more. Use this list as you start to make changes to your life.

 

Imagine what your ideal life would look like. Think about who you’d be if you were completely stating your values. Where would you want to live? What type of work would you do? How would you spend free time? Make sure your choices are aligned with the personal values you’ve recognized. 

 

You can narrow this down to your ideal week or day. What would you be doing throughout the week? Who would you be spending time with? 

 

Picture images of your ideal life to help you figure out what you want most. Then, look for ways you can make those images your reality.

 

Identify careers that fit with your personal values. Finding a career that fits your personal values helps you find meaning and purpose in life. Think about the types of tasks you might enjoy doing daily, what type of environment you’d want to work in, and who you’d like to work .

 

Make a list of actions you can take to start living your ideal life. Think of 3-5 things you can do to start living your best life. Break down your list into steps that are easy to complete. Then, pick 1 thing that you can do today. Going forward, choose 1 small thing each day that you can do to start aligning your life and career with your values. 

 

Over time, you should find that your life is more aligned with your values. This process can be slow or quick, depending on what’s comfortable for you.

 

Self-worth is not an easy thing to develop. But when you better understand how you let the societal or external measures govern your value, you can then start to modify your value more towards things you have control over.

 

Getting help from a professional counselor is a positive first step to learning strategies on how to increase self-esteem and find the values that are important to you in your life so that you can  improve quality of life.

 

You don’t have to do this alone, reach out to BetterHelp if you need further support and guidance.

 

Best Wishes,

Gaynor