How do I find self love?

Hi Laurie,

Well congrats on having the new baby as well as in being ready to start examining some patterns in your personal life and relationship that maybe haven't been too healthy.

Of course, I don't know much about what your life or your relationship looks like, but here are some generally ideas to look at. Some of these may be helpful, while others may not apply to your situation:

1. I would first start looking at your relationship and whether it's healthy. What's made you feel worried that he's going to cheat? Have you tolerated mistreatment by your partner? Have you forgiven transgressions over and over only to be hurt time and time again? Part of improving self-love involves setting boundaries with those who are hurting us, who are bringing us down, who do not respect us. I don't know that this is the case with your current relationship, but I do think it's important to examine whether you're taking all of the blame for unhealthy behaviors when maybe all of that blame isn't warranted. 

2. You may also need to work on healing from past relationships. If your current relationship has been healthy but your lack of trust in your current relationship and lack of self-esteem stems from being mistreated in prior relationships, maybe there's some trauma there that you need to work through. Therapy can be a great way to do that, whether that be examining the beliefs that you acquired about yourself, others, and the world around you, or working through past experiences with a therapist trained in CBT or EMDR.

3. Pay attention to what you tell yourself and evaluate whether your self-talk is rational. For example, the statements you tell yourself about not being pretty enough--are you perhaps focusing on certain aspects of your appearance while discounting your attributes? As for being "good enough," do you ruminate on mistakes or failures but fail to acknowledge and celebrate successes, even minor ones?

4. Positive affirmations can be a great way to work on self-love. Coming up with a list of positive affirmations that are realistic for you and telling yourself these on a regular basis, ideally while looking in a mirror, can help you to begin to change the way you think about yourself. You may also want to make a list of your strengths, and if you have difficulty doing this (and you probably will), asking other people who know you well to help you develop that list of strengths. Reviewing that list regularly, even if it's uncomfortable at first, can help you to recognize those strengths.

5. If you are dealing with significant mental health challenges such as a mood disorder or anxiety disorder, you may want to talk with a doctor about whether you would benefit from psychotropic medications. They're not something that everyone needs, but some people do very well in improving their self-esteem when they lift out of a depressive episode or reduce their anxiety.

6. Naturally, I'm a huge proponent of therapy, and I encourage you to give it a try, whether that be on this platform or elsewhere. Matching with a therapist who can provide support and help you challenge your negative self-talk can help you begin to change how you view yourself and become the person that you want to be. Your perception of yourself probably wasn't created overnight, and similarly it can take some time for self-esteem to build, but by taking the step to ask for help today, you're identifying that you are worth it, and self-love absolutely is possible.

Take care,

Nicholas DeFazio, MRC, LPCC-S, LICDC