How to stop lying?

Hi Justina,

Sorry to hear you are feeling really down and have no self esteem left right now.  It sounds like this is very difficult for you at the moment and is making you feel like a fraud, and isolated from others.  You have said you have told some lies, which you thought were innocent, but has led to people thinking poorly of you.  Firstly, try to put some of this behind you and go easy on yourself, it sounds like you have made a mistake and are trying to get over this, it may be that you are punishing yourself and feeling shameful and guilty about what has happened.

It may be a good time for you to reflect on what led you to tell these lies in the first place and be honest with yourself about this, many people tell lies for all sorts of reasons, such as things really being important to you and perhaps feeling left out of social or group situations if you feel you do not have anything interesting to contribute, or sometimes people want to impress others and feel like they need to "fit" in and this may mean enhancing or embellishing the truth to keep up with other people or others expectations of you.

Many people worry about letting family and friends down and lie as a form of "people pleasing" as if somehow the truth may be a let down or make the person not feel good enough in someway, this can land you in a tricky situation and sometimes you need more lies or exaggeration to get yourself out of this situation and the lies continue.

On occasions people tell lies to keep control of a situation, perhaps wanting the outcome to go their way or wanting others to agree to something. This can also be from a place of getting your own way, maybe you didn't feel heard as a child and so this may be a way of making sure your voice is heard so by controlling a situation you may get what you need.

Perhaps ask yourself if you resonate with any of these reasons and if so why did you feel the need to tell lies.  It may be a good time to speak to someone neutral about this and explore some of your thoughts and feelings around why you feel this has happened, it is clearly something that has distressed you and is not making you feel good.

By talking about this you may feel a sense of relief that you can be open about it, often discussing this with an independent person can lift some of the shame and guilt you seem to be feeling, you describe this as "eating you up on the inside" and feeling bad about yourself can lead to low mood, anxiety and depression if not addressed. This sounds like it is extremely distressing for you right now. 

Maybe if you feel tempted to lie in the future, take a moment to think about why; are you triggered by particular people or situations, what are you feeling in that moment, how do you feel with the people you are with, comfortable, shy, anxious, overwhelmed etc?

This can help you work out what your triggers to telling lies are, you may notice some patterns which may help you explore your feelings and emotions and this could be helpful to identify what they are and how to avoid them in the future.

Another question is do you have boundaries? Where you are trying to keep yourself safe from people who you do not feel good about being with, are you only committing to things you want to do, many people commit to too much and then have to backtrack which makes them seem unreliable or untrustworthy. It is worth considering what circumstances you have found yourself telling lies in. 

Feel free to reach out to myself of one of my BetterHelp colleagues for help and support, it may be good to talk about this, remember to forgive yourself and give yourself some compassion, also perhaps you could speak to close family or friends about what has happened and communicate with them how upset you feel. 

Hope you can find some support and feel better about yourself.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

Kind regards,

Julie Cameron