I'm not sure what I should be doing

Hello Lisbeth! Thank you for your message. While it sounds from your message like you feel very confused, the fact is that there are a lot of people expressing very similar feelings. 

First of all, core beliefs. Core beliefs are beliefs that we came to embrace as children. We are not born with thoughts or beliefs so we simply adopt the beliefs that our caregivers have. If they believe "ABC" we believe "ABC". These core beliefs generally are about ourselves, others, and the world in general. From these core beliefs, we generate ways of thinking about more specific things like how we perform in school or at work, how likable we think we are, and so on. We develop thinking patterns about other people and the world in general such as "most people cannot be trusted," or "the world is a dangerous place." Those are just examples. These become the "lenses" that we experience life through. Everything that we experience is filtered through these lenses. Sometimes, as a result of these lenses, we develop certain "rules" for living. This means we have come to believe that we "should" or "should not" do certain things, be certain things, achieve certain things, and so forth. And the "rules" apply to others as well. But, many times we are extremely critical of ourselves with these "rules." We might say to ourselves -- "Well, I am 28 years old and I should have already graduated from college and gotten my first awesome job. I should be married with 2.5 kiddos." And so on. When we start creating these "rules" in our head as to how we should or should not be, then it is easy to fall into the rabbit hole of self-criticism and self-doubt. Any little setback becomes our "proof" that we are not living up to the expectations. This kind of thinking can be exhausting and depressing. 

One way to re-route yourself is to start with your core beliefs. I personally have a handout about core beliefs and thinking patterns that helps my clients identify their core beliefs. You could probably go online and find some examples of core beliefs exercises. Once you have identified some of your core beliefs, then you can decide for yourself if any or all of them are helpful or hurtful. If you discover that some of your core beliefs are not very helpful, then you can decide if you want to discard that core belief or change it to something a little more helpful. This is what we call "reframing." Here is an example: Core belief is "I am worthless. I can't do anything right." Reframe: "I am a good person. I make mistakes like everyone else but I have some great qualities as well."

The next thing to do is to examine your values. What is important to you? What do you stand for? How do you show up in the world? When we know what our values are, then we can decide how we want to conduct our lives to be in sync with our values. By doing that, we start to feel better about ourselves and more confident because we are doing what is important to us. Example: let's say one of your values was "contribution". And let's say that the reason that this was one of your values is because you get a good feeling when you do something helpful for someone else. So one way that you could align your behavior with this value would be to volunteer at some organization like the homeless shelter or just do something for the neighbors (cut their grass, do their grocery shopping). It doesn't take much to live your values but you have to know what they are in the first place. By knowing your values, you also know where you need to set your boundaries for yourself and for others.

Values are very important to our sense of self as well as confidence. Knowing our values is like having a GPS system for our life. They provide direction. Values change over time so it is good to review them from time to time. It is also important to be sure that the values that you are living by are actually your values and not the values that you think you "should" have -- which goes back to core beliefs and thinking patterns. You get to choose your own values and just because your mom or neighbor or cousin values one thing does not mean that you also have to value that one thing. Frequently, we find ourselves unhappy and confused if we are trying to live by someone else's values. This is very prevalent when you think about social media and how hard people are trying to live up to the "norms" of social media. These are not necessarily the individual's values. They are just "rules" that they think they "should" live by.

I suspect that if you come to know yourself, how you think, and what you value, and then if you can align your daily life with your own beliefs and your own values, you will start to feel less confused and much more confident.

I hope this has helped a little bit. Thank you for reading my response!

Judi