Why do I always feel everyone’s against me and I’m alone?

There can be a variety of reasons why you’re feeling this way. The emotional state in which you find yourself is one which is experienced by many others. So, know that you aren’t alone in this. Also, it usually does not mean that everyone is against you. But that can be easier said than believed – because your mind will still be apt to question “but what if they are really against me?”

In some cases, we don’t hear very much from family and friends. We begin to wonder why and might assume it’s because they simply just don’t like us. Or perhaps we find we just never can connect with our colleagues. At gatherings and events, everyone appears to keep their distance. All of these, taken together, offer us strong evidence, in our mind, that everyone dislikes us. But the majority of the time, this is not true at all. Usually, people are very preoccupied with themselves and busy with their own lives and such. Of course, even when we know this, when we acknowledge it on a logical level in our head, there are still those nagging thoughts of worry and doubt. There are the lingering “what if’s” that we just can’t seem to shake off.

Truthfully, sometimes there will be people in the world we truly just don’t connect with. That’s okay. That’s normal. It’s a common human experience. And it says nothing about who you are or your value as a person. In fact, if you reflect on the entirety of your life, it’s probable that you have met at least one person you didn’t want to have a deeper relationship with. We all know those people – there isn’t anything wrong with them, but we just don’t personally click with them. We aren’t against them, we just don’t want to pursue anything further with them.  

A frequent issue we can encounter, and which might be applicable here, at least in part, is the battle we all wage against what are known as cognitive distortions. What this refers to is a manner of thinking which takes reality but skews it – sometimes a little, and sometimes a lot. One example of this is known as all-or-nothing thinking. This is a thought process wherein our mind will take things to the extreme. If you perceive someone is even just slightly annoyed with you, whether or not there is a reason, your mind will go to an extreme with it – they must really hate you and they do not want anything at all to do with you.

We all can struggle with cognitive distortions. To work past them, it helps to begin paying more attention to our thoughts. What are we thinking? Then, question the thought. Is this true? What evidence do I have to demonstrate it’s true or not? What else might be possible? Let’s say you see a friend walking across the street from you. They walk by and don’t pay attention to you. You might think “they don’t like me and don’t want to be bothered with me.” Could that be true – maybe. Do you have solid evidence to back up that assumption? Or are you just making an assumption? Could it be something else? Might it be possible they were having a bad day and were simply wrapped up in their own thoughts, and actually didn’t even notice you (even if they appeared to see you, if their mind was elsewhere they really might not have).

What’s also potentially at play when we have these experiences is that we could be struggling with our self-esteem and have a bit of self-loathing towards ourselves. If we don’t like ourselves, and we’re very critical towards ourselves, we can have a tendency to believe others are thinking the same way. Our own negative thoughts begin to transform our perception of how other people are seeing us.

Worrying about being disliked by others, and feeling that way about ourselves, doesn’t necessarily mean there is an underlying mental health issue, but there could be. That’s something else to consider as a possibility – although be cautious about doing so! Remember above the concept of cognitive distortions and how we have a tendency to think something is true when it isn’t. Before jumping to any guesses, remember it is best to work with a therapist if you suspect something is going on.

Social anxiety, for instance, leads us to be extra sensitive about how others react towards us. We might take a simple neutral glance in our direction as a hateful glare. If we see a group of people laughing, we might assume they’re laughing about us. For certain individuals, there might be other concerns, too, such as depression, general anxiety, bipolar disorder, personality disorders, or a psychotic condition. In such cases, there will likely be other symptoms present. And again, it’s best to consult with a professional before jumping to any conclusions and self-diagnosing.

It sounds like these thoughts have been bothersome for a while, and like they have become disruptive to your functioning and ability to enjoy life. You might want to consider discussing the situation with a therapist. A therapist will be able to offer you an unbiased and supportive atmosphere in which to explore what’s happening. They can help you to explore the situation more deeply and help you determine what is happening in your unique case. We are all so different and as noted there could be many reasons why this is happening for you. A therapist, too, will be able to work to help you develop an individualized plan to help things get better. And things can get better!