Ask a therapist > Stress > How do I stop self sabotaging and what should I do in this work situation?

How do I stop self sabotaging and what should I do in this work situation?

I have gone through life trying to prove to myself and others I am successful and can do anything I put my mind to. At a cost. I am sadly thin-skinned on the inside and have a strong flight instinct when I feel cornered. I can't focus in a public office situation as I feel someone is always talking about me. I like to work alone in quiet. I expressed this when I was hired. We can work remotely Thursdays and Fridays, and I was promised an office last year. I don't have an office, I was getting stressed by the pettiness and childish behaviors in the office. I couldn't focus on my work, even though I was getting it done. So I made up a reason to work remotely at my home office for the last 2.5 weeks and will return next week. It's been nice and I'm returning to the happy worker that I am. I was looking forward to going back for a few days. My boss was fired yesterday. We were professionally close. That afternoon she called me saying the president of the company (her boss, we both hold high management titles) has wanted me fired for some time. My new Boss is lower management and doesn't make sense as to why I would report to her, so I'm afraid to go back to the office Monday.... trying to think of a reason not to. HELP!

Background: I am a strong-willed person with an entrepreneurial drive. As a military ARMY Bratt, I have a keen sense of duty and responsibility, but my life changed when I was very young. Divorce was a "thing" in the 70's and I was not the apple of my mother's eye.
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Asked by Freddy
Stress
Anxiety
Resilience
Answered
11/09/2022

Hi Freddy! I appreciate you taking the time to provide some additional details about yourself, your experiences and your current situation. I hope that my response will be helpful in giving you guidance and some overall direction.

First and foremost, I would like to encourage you to continue to acknowledge your positive qualities and strengths. It is really great to hear that you consider yourself to be a strong willed person with an entrepreneurial drive. I know that you also mentioned that you have a keen sense of duty and responsibility. In addition, it sounds like you are able to be successful in life when you put your mind to it. Those all sounds like really admirable and amazing qualities. What are some of your other qualities and strengths? Take some time to write a list of strengths that you are willing to build upon, discover and explore more about.

I, too, am a military brat (navy branch) so I can totally relate to that childhood experience. Thank you for sharing that. It is a good sign that you are recognizing how your experiences as a youth may have some influence on your life today. I understand that being a brat in the armed forces can be challenging. Being a brat also provides a key element in establishing identity in childhood and adolescence. What was it like for you to grow up as an army brat? How would you describe your overall childhood experiences? What are some of your other life roles, personality traits and aspects of your identity that you respect, honor and value? How would you describe yourself and personality traits? You may want to answer these questions for yourself through therapeutic journaling and writing. I always recommend the writing process as a means to clarify and contain life's challenges and experiences. Check out the Therapeutic Writing Institute (TWI) if you would like more information on the therapeutic benefits of journaling.

I realize that you really value your job and that you are feeling concerned that you may no longer have your job come Monday. Even the thought of your position with your employer being terminated would bring anyone a sense of heightened stress and anxiety. I can also see why finding out that your boss was fired would be concerning news for you to hear. It almost seems like your initial reaction and inner dialogue to this news is: "You're next." What can you do to comfort yourself and feel more in control over your stress and worry? I will share with you this article on the topic of stress management in case this will help you get some ideas on how to destress from this situation. Here is the link below:

https://www.verywellmind.com/tips-to-reduce-stress-3145195

In addition, I realize that you have been avoiding going into work because of this situation as well as because of your workplace environment. My basic and general advice on the issue of avoidance and anxiety is this: Anytime that you notice experiencing feelings of anxiety from doing something and you avoid doing the thing that makes you feel anxious, this, in turn, makes the anxiety worse and reinforces avoidant behavior. Essentially, it is important to face situations head on and not rely on avoidant behavior to manage things. Avoidance ultimately increases anxiety.

Simply put, I think that you should go back to work on Monday and attend the scheduled meeting with the president of the company. There is likely nothing you can do to change the outcome of the meeting. It sounds like the agenda for this meeting has already been planned. Make a plan for what you can do afterwards, no matter what the outcome.

In addition, I would like to recommend trying some art therapy techniques. If you are willing, you can draw yourself connecting with your future self. In addition, I recommend taking some time to create a house, a tree and a person out of modeling clay or through drawing. This House Tree Person (HTP) directive is a traditional art therapy based assessment. You may learn more about your beliefs about yourself and your life through this process. In addition, the therapeutic aspects of clay can be beneficial in fostering self expression and an expressive way for you to safely regress.
Lastly, it would be wonderful if you could draw, paint or sculpt anything that you would like to. Take some time to express yourself and cultivate your creativity. I know that you mentioned in your title that you are contemplating self sabotage. You can create a drawing or collage out of scrap paper, rip it up and turn it into something new. I think it would be worthwhile to explore more about what self sabotage means for you.

I would be interested in hearing more about how your life had changed when you were very young. What changes had you endured that stand out to you as difficult? Utilize some time for reflection on your past. Also, what does that mean for you when you state that you were not the apple of your mother's eye? This could also be a wonderful journal prompt or art therapy directive.

At this time, I would like to recommend that you begin to attend counseling sessions. I realize that you may also benefit from career counseling, as well. If you have time and are willing, you may also want to consider attending a group therapy session or a groupinar. It is ultimately up to you to decide how you would like to address your concerns in a therapeutic setting.

Thank you again so much for your time reaching out for support and asking this vital question on the BetterHelp platform. I sincerely hope that my response has been helpful for you in some way. I want to wish you all the best on your therapeutic journey. Have a great day!

(LMHC, ATR-P, MS, NCC)