How do you heal from past hurt? Relationship wise & non relationship wise.

Hi, and thanks for your question.

I'm sorry to hear you've been through such a difficult series of experiences, and "difficult" seems like an insufficient descriptor. What you've briefly described is life-changing to say the least, and it's great that you're at a point where you're considering reaching out for help.

The short answer to your question of "how do you heal from past hurt" is gradually, methodically, over time, with self-compassion and non-judgment, and with an eye toward growing through the experience and incorporating that personal growth into your life's story of who you are, how you came to be where you are, at any given point in time, and where you want to be going forward (i.e, your hopes, dreams, goals and aspirations).

The first step in all of that would be developing the ability to be with your feelings about these situations non-judgmentally, and with compassion for yourself. Many times, it's (initially) hard for people to be that for themselves, so it can be especially helpful to have a trusted therapist to not only provide that sense of non-judgment and compassion, but to help you learn to provide it to yourself, as well.

From this grows the ability to be patient with oneself throughout the healing process, and the ability to learn how to sit with those feelings of pain in order to gather information from them about what's important to you, and to learn to give what's important to you the attention and care it deserves. Along the way in that aspect of the process is possibly gently confronting the parts of you that may not feel worthy of such attention and care, and learning the true depth of your worth.

As a person learns (and deeply internalizes) their sense of self-worth, they naturally discover the need for the development and maintenance of personal boundaries in various aspects of their life. This too, doesn't often come naturally, and it's often beneficial to have a trusted therapist to guide you through the inevitable sorting process one goes through when learning (and again, internalizing) that they have a right to boundaries, and even that they're absolutely necessary for living a healthy life and having healthy relationships. Most people don't like experiencing the boundaries of others, so it's helpful to have someone guide you through what to expect when "pushback" is received, and encouragement of your ability to stay true to yourself.

This is a natural segue into additional stages of self-acceptance, compassion and non-judgment as one begins to get to know oneself more deeply and thoroughly, while hope, trust-of-self and a new stronger identity begins to firmly take root. Here, the person learns to dream and consider fresh new possibilities for their life, and has a strong sense of what's right for them, and what isn't, which can be quite liberating and empowering.

And last (but certainly no least) is the point at which the person can "make sense" of all that they've been through in that they've accepted what happened as a part of their life story (which should not be confused with believing that what happened is acceptable, which it was most certainly not); that what happened has not held them back; and that they've become stronger despite it, as a result of their own hard work, perseverance and resilience in the face of That Which Should Never Have Happened.

I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey, and again, thank you for reaching out for help along the way.