The Gottman Method

The research-based Gottman Method emphasizes the value of minor daily actions in maintaining a healthy relationship. Gottman Method therapists may also focus on preventing common adverse behaviors that can harm relationships—such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—and replacing them with positive actions. 

Gottman Method techniques

Gottman Method therapists use the “sound relationship house” metaphor to illustrate how negative behaviors can be shifted into positive, productive behaviors that strengthen relationships. Per the sound relationship house theory in the Gottman Method, each “floor” represents a different aspect of how couples interact, including the following:

Building “love maps”

The first level of a sound house per the relationship house theory in the Gottman Method involves the couple’s knowledge of each other's inner worlds, including preferences, dreams, and daily experiences. During this counseling stage, the Gottman Method therapist may ask the couple key questions about these elements, such as “What was your partner’s childhood like?” or “What is their favorite way to spend their free time?” These may help them build “love maps” to establish a fundamental understanding of one another. 

Sharing fondness and admiration

In this step of the Gottman Method house theory, the couple expresses appreciation and affection for each other and vocalizes the reasons they love each other. These reasons can be all-encompassing, such as the partner’s values, and more minor traits, such as how they laugh or practice small habits of kindness every day. 

Turning toward instead of away

This Gottman Method concept relates to how one partner responds when the other seeks attention or engagement (commonly called a “bid”). When one partner turns toward and acknowledges a “bid” expressed by the other, it can establish a sense of security that may allow both parties to express their needs, thoughts, and opinions.

Developing a positive perspective

When couples develop a positive outlook on their relationship with the Gottman Method, each partner may solidify and strengthen the relationship independently—particularly during conflict. Part of cultivating this positive perspective can include trying to give each other the benefit of the doubt during difficult interactions and refraining from unwarranted criticism.

Managing conflict

To build a strong floor of the “sound relationship house” in the Gottman Method, couples learn how to effectively communicate and manage conflict to work through disagreements healthily. During this stage, Gottman counselors may ask partners to consider each other’s wants, needs, and feelings during a dispute. 

Dialogue about disagreements may be encouraged. However, if the conflict is emotionally overwhelming, individuals are also encouraged to take a moment to practice self-soothing exercises to return to a calm state before continuing with the Gottman Method.

Making life dreams come true for each other

When couples support each other's goals and aspirations, it may directly impact their connection. For example, if a partner wishes to pursue a different job or return to school, the other partner’s encouragement may promote unification and commitment within the relationship.

Creating shared meaning

During this Gottman Method process, couples are encouraged to establish shared values, rituals, and goals that give the relationship a sense of purpose and shared meaning. For example, they may work on alignment with parenting rules or setting aside time each week to engage in a shared activity.

Building trust and commitment

Considered the “weight-bearing walls” of the “sound relationship house,” couples are encouraged to build and maintain trust through honesty, reliability, and integrity. In the Gottman Method, a strong emphasis is also placed on cultivating a solid commitment to each other and the relationship, even in challenging times.

Although the Gottman Method is typically tailored to each couple's unique needs, it recognizes common factors within relationships that may influence how they function. To uncover some of these factors, the Gottman counselor may first interview the couple individually and together, then ask them to complete a self-administered assessment. The purpose of the Gottman Method evaluation is twofold: helping all parties better understand the relationship dynamics and giving couples a vehicle for identifying areas of concern independently.

From the information gathered in these preliminary communications, the Gottman counselor can provide observations on the results and recommend the frequency and duration of Gottman Method sessions for optimal treatment. Once that’s been agreed upon, the Gottman therapist may design a specialized program for the couple based on the foundational principles of the “sound relationship house” metaphor.

Gottman Method sessions

A Gottman Method counselor may also suggest various other tools and techniques to help couples replace negative conflict patterns with healthier ones, including the following: 

• Skills training: Couples may learn communication skills, active listening techniques, and ways to express their emotions more effectively.
• Conflict management strategies: Couples may learn to navigate conflicts without escalating them and find common ground.
• Intimacy-building techniques: Couples can learn these techniques to enhance emotional and physical intimacy. 
• Homework assignments: Couples may be given exercises to practice the skills they've learned in their everyday lives.

The Gottman Method can be applied at various stages of relationships, whether it forms part of premarital counseling or is used to address long-standing challenges in long-term partnerships. The Gottman Method may benefit individuals who are willing to work together to focus on improving their relationship—whether challenges are minor or there is significant turmoil. The Gottman Method may also help people who do not think there is a problem or who think their partner is responsible for the difficulties in the relationship as long as both parties are willing to engage in the therapeutic process.

However, there are circumstances in which the Gottman Method isn’t recommended. For example, conflict in relationships where domestic violence or abuse is occurring should typically be addressed with a domestic violence specialist—such as a professional who works in a shelter or abuse treatment center—and not the Gottman Method. 

Because mental illnesses can directly impact relationships, individuals with severe mental health challenges may not immediately benefit from Gottman Method counseling. People experiencing a mental illness may benefit from receiving individual guidance from a therapist to address challenges before or in tandem with couple’s therapy. Partners of those with mental health challenges may also find it beneficial to seek individual support along with couple’s therapy or the Gottman Method.

For those experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Gottman Method therapy typically aims to help couples build strong, lasting relationships by cultivating an improved understanding of the fundamental difficulties that often create conflict and could lead to separation. Researchers at the Gottman Institute have coined specific terms to describe these common challenges:  

• The “Harsh Start-Up”: A Harsh Start-Up refers to beginning a conversation with hostility, sarcasm, or criticism.
• The “Four Horsemen”: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are interpersonal behaviors that can threaten the health of a relationship if not addressed and adjusted. 
• Flooding. Flooding is when one partner’s sudden and unpredictable negativity leaves the other unprepared and too overwhelmed to communicate or resolve conflicts in the moment. Flooding often leads to bodily changes in blood pressure, heart rate, and hormonal function, making communicating more challenging. 
• Unsuccessful repair attempts: When attempts to ease tension in a heated conversation are routinely ineffective, the relationship may be in a perpetual state of unrest.
• Bad memories: Some couples can positively reflect on difficulties in their relationship because they were able to resolve them together and move forward. Others may remember these memories negatively, considering them examples of relationship failure instead of agents for positive change. 

Once couples understand these concepts and how they may manifest, the Gottman counselor can use elements of the “sound relationship house” model to develop practical tools and strategies for:

• Settling miscommunications and establishing clearer methods of verbal and behavioral communication
• Strengthening bonds by implementing ways to show respect, deepen intimacy, and cultivate affection
• Creating a strong sense of empathy and understanding toward each other
• Removing perpetual obstacles and patterns of beliefs or behavior that make it difficult to resolve conflicts

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the Gottman Institute, and other teams and institutions have conducted a broad scope of research on the efficacy of this Gottman Method, dating from the mid-1970s through to the present day. 

Initial studies often focused on identifying early indicators of divorce within relationships—one of the most fundamental being a 1991 Gottman Method study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy titled “Predicting the Longitudinal Course of Marriages.” 

The results of this original Gottman study suggested concrete, quantifiable examples of behaviors predicting divorce in married couples. For example, Gottman researchers found that by analyzing behaviors like contempt, criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness (The Four Horsemen), they could predict with 93% accuracy if a relationship would end in divorce. 

Additional Gottman Method studies

More recent research related to the Gottman Method suggests that factors regarding mismatches in physical health and health-related lifestyle choices may also serve as markers for a relationship’s future success or breakdown. Examples include poor overall subjective health, smoking, heavy drinking, mental distress, and lack of exercise. 

As research progresses, studies tend to focus on the overall effectiveness of the Gottman Method treatment for a diverse range of couples. For example, an uncontrolled study including 106 gay and lesbian couples tested the efficacy of the Gottman Method for resolving conflicts and cultivating stronger relationship satisfaction. Based on five assessments measuring treatment progress conducted throughout the program, significant improvement in these Gottman Method couples was reported after 11 therapeutic sessions.